you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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