apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
