i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
