Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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