Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
