Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize