I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
