I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
