I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
sex in a hospital.. check
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
