I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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