I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
