im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
