apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
