I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
