allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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