I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
