i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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