this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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