OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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