Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Randomize
