Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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