If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
