awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
