Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Boobs are out for the taking
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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