u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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