woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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