im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
