$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
