so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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