She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
