I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
