worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
