Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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