saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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