My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
