Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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