Cold hands, warm shart.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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