You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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