Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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