I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
