Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize