Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
