How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
