I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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