i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
