You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
