You can't motorboat a personality
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
