do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
