he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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