So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
