Whod you bang
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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