Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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