Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
