his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
