When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
