if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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