I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
