If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
